Tears in This Gloomy April

God, I can't praise you enough for showing me your guidance on what's right and what's wrong. You had shown me the truth about JJ. A car-less person like me who rarely drive to work and stick to one radio station had been lifted my eyes open that what an asshole men like JJ can be. I was curious to listen to what the caller's conversation with the DJs. The more the caller talked as I listened carefully, I noticed that he was not a stranger. From the way he described his activities and all, I knew that was him for real. He named himself John and calling in to get a coffee date with Sarimah Ibrahim. The night before, I had already deleted him out of my phone book. God had showed me that it was the right move and there is no regret to remove him from my life. Hallelujah. I am sure the right man eventually will show up (Hopefully).

Attended a childhood's wedding could not be anything easier. People tend to ask you on when is your turn. But, my Mr. Right is not even exist yet. I'm not sure if it's better that this person ever exist. I wish that a man would love me, care for me and tender me. Unfortunately, I have not found the person. God, I wish nothing but the best for me and the people I love that they will find happiness and joy with their loved ones.


I have not been this unhappy and tearing up my eyes for a long time. The last time this happened was back few years ago while I was still in Florida. I cried myself into tears and waking up with tears. Talking in tears and thinking in tears. How bad a weekend can turned out huh! It all started when my dad asked me to look at his savings and how he had distributed among us. (Definition of us means some of his children plus my only brother's children). Before, I was naive and just let him be especially since it is his money.

My PMS mood kicked in my system and I just brought myself to tears. I screamed, yelled and cried in front of my parents especially my dad. What right does my brother's children have fairly share on his wealth when I am his daughter. His youngest daughter. I can't accept that. Being a conservative Chinese man, I can understand that he prioritize my brother. But his children? I am sorry, I can't accept it. They had so much luxurious in life that I do not have. They drive brand new cars when I use public transport. I used old phones while they have the latest gadgets. They have a house that they do not need to worry about paying when my brother can manage that. What about me? Is this the love that I am getting from my father? I am very hurt inside my heart. This is worst than falling out of love or being heartbroken my men. I've always been the favorite and is this what I'm getting. There are times that I want to believe that my dad wants me to be a independent and strong woman. But there are times, that I think that I am no longer important in his life.

This makes me want to live far away like what I did before. Living in USA for a long time taught me well. I was struggling to make ends. I have to work hard for what I wanted and never asked. I just wish that they will understand how hard we work to get what we want and they would be proud and appreciate all the little things that my sisters and I did for them. I hate to deal with this kind of situation. A scene where my dad had let me down so much. I am so heartbroken by him. I am sure this feeling will be here for a while. This is going to stay.

I need to love myself more. Weight Loss Parte Tres need to be in line. Taking care of me and myself is more important than anyone else. I love me more. God, make me a stronger person in going through this. Despite it's the ugly truth from my dad, let his heart and mind open for his children. Make him the man that I used to love. Don't let him stab me again in my heart.

Wait a minute.... I am Overqualified?

You must be kidding me when I heard that I am overqualified. I mean the job I was interviewing for last week. It was my first time having 2 interviewers together and asked you a bunch of questions. Earlier this week, I heard that the Hiring Manager (which this position would report to) is changing his mind on the position. He is thinking to have a junior to do the job instead. My recruiter mentioned that I was overqualified if they are looking for a junior position. Today, I heard the Ms HR was impressed with me with the event management and trying to get the Hiring Manager to get me onboard. I am praying that God will make his way for me on this journey. My lucky day will come very soon. I believe and trust that God has a better plan for me. Amen.

Nonetheless, I have make up my mind that this is it for JJ. I've asked him out for a slice of cake after work (Yea, I'm not a coffee person- So, no coffee date). He text me back and said he has plans going on and asked me to take care. In fact, I've asked AA on her view. She said leave him alone and eventually he will be out of my mind. I take that as a challenge to myself. I did what I want to do by sending the sms. Now, I have no regret that I did try to reach out to JJ. Yet, it didn't turn out as what I wanted and hoped for. I've took a deeper courage to even delete his phone no from my mobile. I ran into a friend's status in Facebook earlier which I like it so much. "There are two things you shouldn't waste your time on: things that don't matter and people that think you don't matter."
So JJ goodbye to you. I will leave you alone and rest in peace with your life. I keep a promise to myself that I will not contact you unless it is work-related. 

Some people just need to know me better I guess. If I can walk out from the ugly scene few years back, I can do this in a heartbeat. There's no turning back on what had happened even though I wish things were much easier to deal with back then. I am a mess. I've become a stronger person. JJ mentioned that he wants to settle his stuff first. This is an eye opener for me. I have a lot of things that I need to settle that I've been hanging on. I've made the first step today. I feel that I've been jinxed by certain people and need to get rid of the burden I am carrying along. If I can shower flower water all day long to get my luck back, I would. Then again, does it exist in this world?

Party Weekend

Party weekend was over now! There were so much to celebrate. My Birthday, weddings for my childhood's friend and my cousin's brother. Not forget to mention, my awesome friends who has decided to make their commitment all the way in the Sunshine State. Indeed a tiring and long, yet there was so much laughter, joy and happiness shared along the way. Despite missing out on the commitment ceremony, I am happy that both of them have decided to do so. It takes a lot of courage to do so!

Whenever I heard Nat King Cole's, L-O-V-E, I feel so in love. The kids love the tempo and keep repeating this song while in the car. (Kinda of annoying when you heard them for 30 mins non-stop) Being the first African American who hosted television shows, he is still popular till this day. I love his voice very much. He is one hell of a musician!

30 Year Old Milestone

Looking back at what I've done for the past 30 Years is just insane! Today, I've grown to be a 31 years old single woman. I am independent, mature, strong, self-center and happy.

During my teenage I recalled on an incident where I was so pissed off with my best friend in school because she didn't remember my Birthday. Furthermore, she doesn't know what I like. Looking back, this is so silly! Boy, I tell you I was so disappointed with her. A best friend should know you better, right?

Few years back, when I was living in Florida. Similar incident happened. HN totally forgot about my Birthday and didn't get anything for me. I was pissed and unhappy. He was the closest person to me. How could he forgot and not knowing what I like? Come on.... But when he did remember, he got me a Pink color Ipod! Seriously pink! I have him returned it and changed to another color. I've changed since then.

My milestones for the past 30 years:

• Lost weight!! So far, I've managed to lost 7 kgs in 7 weeks! Kudos!
• Ran 5km for 2 days in a row! First time ever in my lifetime!!! 
• Signed up for a marathon. Even it's only 5km!
• Working out at the gym before going to work every morning. 
• More positive and confidence. Hallelujah to that!
• Happier in my life. I can't ask for more.
• Using the Noise cancelling headset from Bose. Love it so much!
• Start to blog which my passion is writing about my life and thought that I can share with my friends
• Travel to Europe and South East Asia. My love passion! 
• Getting rid of unwanted things like clothes, accessories and etc. It's good for my soul! 
• Organized charity events and managed to pull it off within a few days. 
• Finally feel settle in a room that I can belong to after 40 months.
• My relationship with friends and family are getting stronger and better everyday
• I am much closer to God now! Amen.

A Peaceful Easter

I'm not a Christian, yet I enjoy watching children celebrating Easter. The egg-hunting, Easter Bunny photography session, church session is so much fun. Kiddies are so cute with the colorful eggs running around the greens. In KL, I only see them doing this indoor which was not so fun comparing to do this outdoor. When I was working in TW, the employees got to egg-hunt in the office. :D Those are the days in the memory lane for me.

Kicking off my Easter Sunday with a 5km run on treadmill was absolutely good! Who would guess I managed to pull thru that in 49 minutes and 46 seconds. Never in my mind that I am able to do so in my lifetime. YAY!This is a record-breaking! I weighted myself yesterday morning and I am 7 kg lesser! All my efforts are paying off slowly. Maintaining it will be a challenge. Yes, I believe I will and I can make it!

Spending my day just taking it easy at home and not touching any computer and laptop were not easy. I just need to stay away from it for a little while. Now, this reminded me of my time spent in Saarbrucken. The life was so peaceful and calm without much of electronic gadgets.

This cleaning mood was still kicking in my system that I can no longer stand having too much of things around in the room where I can see them. I used to be attached to my things deeply- clothes, cookware, Tupperware, gadgets, you name it all. After the incident, I've became a better person. Indeed I have lost it, but I'm sure someone else need it for than I do. I do not deny that I have my moments in missing them.
By giving them away, I hope the other person could better used it and also make a habit for me to keep buying.:D

My sis asked me why am I giving away the Winnie the Pooh toy (there's a duplication) that I've kept for a while. They were so cute. Guess what I am going to do with them. Better, where are the rest of the toys going to end up?On top of my closet in a black bag specifically. I will hang onto them till for a while. Maybe till I move away or have my own children one day. I've managed to screen them out and giving it away to the children in the charity house. I doubt I would be able to go on this Wed due to the transportation mode which needs to be in service. Cross-finger that I might be able to get my lovely cousin to go with me.

Till next year, have a peaceful Easter and Passover.

Shall I Keep it to Myself?

Finally after 4 months didn't go out and party, I went out clubbing tonight. I feel old and couldn't cope with the party people anymore. Yet, I was in my mood tonight to enjoy some music. You know the usual stuff, meeting new people, dancing and small talk. I always enjoy this moment except that the music is too loud most of the time.

Keeping to myself for a day and couldn't get this JJ out of my mind yet. I will and I can. Time is all I need. Please be kind to me on this. Listening to KY's advise, it helps me not to be bother about other people's feelings anymore. I am a kind-hearten and easily feel sympathetic to others. I do not want another person to be unhappy. The question is do they make me happy then if I make them happy? Not all the times.

Few days ago, I've found out that JJ was back in town and we've been exchanging notes. He mentioned that he was occupied 24x7 due to his work. Oh well, that's part of his life!

Me: Hey, sleeping yet? Busy?
JJ: Nope, just finished a meeting and now going home
Me:What a long day? Had ur dinner yet?
JJ: Yes, together meeting dinner
Me: Are u working next wed? I want to ask if u want to join me to drop something at a charity home in Kepong
JJ: I will be away again outstation. Sorry.
Me: :( I think I miss you. I read your blog earlier. U miss me or not?
JJ: What blog?? Miss you?? hahaha... So funny
Me: Ur old blog la with your daughter's pic!!! :P i know I'm funny!!! Now only u know ah... Can we get to know each other more?
JJ: Let settle my life first. As per now i just can say friends. I going though something serious with someone.
Me: Understand. No worries. Have a good night. :)

JJ, I am going to let times to pass you by. I want to give it a shot but I guess not this time. KY said that I'm too direct with you. Oh well, I ain't your regular Asian mentality thinking. I am more of a American style, say what I want and do what I feel like. That's my strength and weakness. Do except me for who I am. I am not a pretender. I am ME!

One fine day, the right person will feel my love just like Adele's song- Make You Feel My Love. This song was originally sang by Bob Dylan's Time Out of Mind Album in 1997. It's just amazing when after a while this song has become popular again.

P/S: I am so excited and happy that I've lost 7kg or 15 pounds as of now! Just happy that I managed to pull off this diet thingy! YAY!! :D

It Takes 40 Months!

40 months- it took me that long to dig into my Bose Noise canceling headset. The awesomeness of the sounds system is amazing. I technically cannot hear my surrounding voice. What have I been thinking by putting it aside? I have no freaking idea why but there are a lot of things that I still have not dig into for a long time.

It's just mind blowing when I have let myself down for sometime, about the same length of abandoning this brand new spanking headset! I was letting myself down by consuming too much till I hate looking at myself in a picture. I have to crop my face out of my full body picture.

Getting to know myself better and changing the way I live, I have become a positive, confidence and energetic person. Even though I am alone, I am so thankful for my day. I am just enjoying my peace. What's more to celebrate for today was I did my very first 2km on a treadmill in 19 minutes and 20 seconds. Never in my life I have hit this record. My inner me wants to make this happening. Running for a marathon was one of my to do list before I hit 30. Oh well, age doesn't matter when I make it happen right? :P

June 24 would be my first 5km marathon run. I am preparing for this run mentally and physically. Honestly, I have never seen a man like JJ who has been so encouraging on this. After reading his old blog, I realized how running marathon had helped him. Preparation on this really excite me on if I will truly make this happen.




I really want to make this good habit a routine. A part of me. I have never felt so amazing and great. It hits me that I need to love myself better and more. This is what I wanted and not what other people wants or needs! It's healthy for me even I'm alone. I have never been happier in my life! Now did I mention that I do not need another soul to make my day. :) God has its plan layout for me. I'll need to be patient and the day will come.

Easter Day 2012 is meaningful with this new life changing routine. I am thankful and enjoying the time. Lord, you have listen to my prayer that I want to be happy and make people around me to be happy. My smile has make someone's day. I am truly blessed.

Seriously, Divorce Expo?

Starting my day with confidence and alive, I learn to love myself more and more on a daily basis. When it used to be what other people wants and not what I want, I start to realize how much I have let myself down. Now, I am on the right track in loving and caring myself better by watching my diet and be positive. Weight Loss Parte Tres definitely changes my life. I have never felt this great before. I know I can and I know I will. I need to shred off another 10kg if possible.

Browsing thru the news today, my eyes catches a headlines, "Divorce expo a counterpoint to wedding industry" by Leanne Italie. This expo provides support for all divorcees to start a new life. Some might get lucky to go thru this separation easily and some might have gone thru hell. Vendors from purveyors of wrinkle reduction, liposuction and breast augmentation to life coaches, a matchmaker and the writer of a book on how to investigate your date were happily entertaining the group. 

"People need to be educated. People's lives get destroyed by divorce because they don't know everything they need to know." ~Baras Feuer


The one that interests me was Hiromi Schaub's story. Being a Japanese married to an American lawyer, she keep her divorce silence from her co-workers or any friends in Japan. Her ex-husband had racked up thousands of dollars in debt using her name.

"I don't have family here in America. I'm all alone. It is very hard," Hiromi said. "I wanted to come here and see other people, what they are doing and how they are getting through. I never thought I would get a divorce. I thought I was happy."

No matter whose fault in a divorce, either party is being judged. Normally a bad judgement will be punished especially to those who have not moved on to a new relationship. We do not need to be in the old school to go thru this painful judgement. I wish we can all look at different perspectives on a relationship. When that day comes, all of us will live in a happy place.

Kat's Day!

I hereby announced that April 4 is Kat's Day. :) She surprised me with dropping a note on Facebook and we keep writing back at each other. It was a rare incident that Kat will do that! But then, it's the thought that counts that she remembers me. I really appreciate it with ♥

Love you Birthday Girl! Thank you for messaging me and it really means a lot to me! I guess you feel that I need someone to cheer me up a bit huh! They said when you are so close with someone, you will feel their pain as well. Nonetheless, the happiness that they went thru. We were there for each other during the bad times and now, here we are again.

Thank you for being you, Kat! I will always love you just like Whithey Houston's song. :)

First Life

I was asleep by 730pm last night. A quick bite of salmon sandwich and that's all it took me to go to bed. Really exhausted and long Monday.

While waiting for my sister's ride back home, my mind was recalling what JJ said to me. This is his third life. Now, that I think about it. This is my third life too.

My first life was a happy childhood time spent in Malaysia. I had a memorable memories by being the youngest sibling and being spoil at home. Weight problem has occurred ever since. My dad loves me dearly while my mom traveled around. I've turned out to be independent, bossy, mature woman. I am not a smart student, but I depends on luck a lot. I scored all As in my primary and middle school. Luck was not on my side when I hit the final year in secondary school. Oh well.... I remember being teased by others that I am fat in school since young age.

At the age of 15, I shared my frustrations with my physician. She has prescribed me with diet pills. I took them and cut down on eating and walking back and forth to school was my routine. I was down to almost 50kg from 65kg. I have never felt so great before. It lasted till I went to college in 1998. Then, living in the city changes everything. My roommates and housemates were wonderful people that made my day and night.

Lost of Voice

Waking up on a rainy Monday morning is not cool when you add on lost of voice. My Monday Blues is going to be a long day and suck. I pray that it will be easier on me. It's really annoying me when I cannot talk.

I wish to take a MC but then think again I won't be doing anything if I would be staying at home except sleep. I do not want to be in bed for too long. I've been out of the office since Thursday and the past weekend had been insanely on-going work.

When I think about my tiredness, I also slow down and put myself in other people's shoes on their situation as well. Everyone wants to be rich and buy things that they want and like. There is no such thing as a free lunch in this world. Everything comes with a price. We might look at how luxurious it is to own a Bentley car, multi-million condominium and so forth, do we know how much time and effort that they have put on to make a monthly payment?

Experience thought me well. All of us wants a shortcut in life. We all wish for that. Unfortunately, not in the real world. Donald Trump once said, "Everything in life is luck". I do believe that luck is for real. Otherwise, I would not be here. 

B.B. King's Bad Luck Soul somehow remind me on Mimi's Cafe that I used to love for brunch. Too bad, the place that I went had been given a bad review on the customer service from my good friends. I got to tell you that the muffin is a heaven!