They see me strong, but I’m Sick

I thought I was strong to deal with the incident till the doctor removed my stitches. The reality hits me that I was being robbed and attacked with a hammer.  

While dropping off my girlfriend, I drove home alone. All of the sudden, I cried. My emotion was uncontrollable and unstoppable. I feel so emotion, restless and sick. I didn’t have the mood to talk to anyone or do anything at all for the next 24 hours. 

Spending the night with teary eyes and trying to sleep was hard. In my mind, I feel so small that I could actually die. I think about what and how it was happened. No one foresee the incident is coming. I didn’t. 

No one does. 

Being an independent, strong and confidence woman before, this has changed me. I feel there’s so much that I’ve not accomplish, yet I’m near to death. 

For a person who makes decision all the times, who voices my ideas and thoughts and who tries to shine the world, my soul has gone. I’ve lost it all. He robbed not just my valuables, but also me.   

I started to drive because I have no choice. I do not want to burden anyone by giving me rides. I drove after 1 week because I have to. I want to be strong and do it as before. But things would never be the same. 

I talked as usual but no one knows that I just can’t focus in what they said, hence I talk to focus on what I said. There are so many questions that I have in my head on top of all the headaches, stiffness and restless nights that I’m having. They do not know that my emotion is uncontrollable and unpredictable.

I feel sick when people ask me how am I doing. I have to put my mask on and said I’m fine. Deep inside, I’m not. Only a few people notice this. 

My confidence, my self-esteem and my life has gone. 

Acknowledging the issue I’m having, I have spoken to my sisters and friends about it. No one seems to know what to do and how to help. They have never seen me being weak. Neither do I. I have not been so restless, tired and exhausted despite all the times that I’ve been away from work. They suggest me to seek professional help. Another friend suggested that I start writing about what I feel. Some even said go for a holiday, pick up a new hobby and distract yourself from being alone. 

My workplace recommended me to get professional help and the sessions will be covered. I’ve managed to speak to the psychology who I’ll be seeing later on this week. She said I’ve fitted the symptoms of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is one of the anxiety disorders. 

One can only see from an exterior that I’m a normal person like before. But, I know I’m “sick”.

Moving On with 8 Stitches on My Head

Work has been stressful enough that we all need a break to have a de-stress time. My girlfriend and I have set a day to do so in a healthy way by walking in the park. The closest park for both of us was KLCC Park which was less than 5 minutes walk from my office. Our norm was safe keeping our belongings at my office and will walk while catching up with our lives. I still remember that we took a longer time to chill in my office, she had a corn in the bob while I was really starving and we were discussing where shall we go for dinner later on.

Since my office building in Menara Atlan and the car park building were in different buildings, we would walk to the car park. There were 2 ways to walk to the car park. One is using the basement where sometimes I feel creepy and smelly. Further, I would think that if there is something to happen, no one can hear me at all. Hence, we both as our regular routine would walk in the open space. Often, there are people and cars that would use the open space, just like us.

That was the walk for a lifetime that I would remember for the rest of my life.

As we were approaching to the car park building, we saw a foreign looking young man who dresses like a tourist walking closer and closer to us. In my mind, he reminded me of my Latino friend who might have been lost in the city. I’m trying to think of his origin- Latino or Filipino.

Never in both of our minds that he had a bad intention.

Credit:Flickr user bitzcelt

He came closer and we bought thought that he was lost and asking for directions. He came in between us and said, “Give me your bag”. My mind was unsure what he was saying and I asked him, “Excuse Me”. He repeated it. My girlfriend turned around and smashed him with her bags. Hovelling 2 recycle bags and my hidden handbag, he managed to snatched one of my recycle bag and it fall apart on the floor. There was a struggle between them. My girlfriend started to scream for help. That was the loudest voice that I can hear at the moment. He managed to get up and came to me and asked, “Give me your bag”. He then hit my head with a hammer. Yes, a hammer.

I screamed for help as well. I still did not feel the pain from my head yet. I thought I was panic and it was just sweat. We both even tried to chase the guy. There were some guys who played futsal on top of the car park building who heard us and he tried to come down and saw the bad guy running. There were motorcycles, passersby who came forward after they heard our screaming. They never managed to get a hold of the robber.

My girlfriend told me to calm down and relax. I was still questioning her why. She said I was bleeding. Then, I noticed that blood was dripping all this time, not my sweat.  She didn’t have any injuries at all. We managed to get some ice while my girlfriend called 999. A lot of people came forward and wanting to find out what had happened. A police patrol car drove by and never stops to find out what happened even though there was a crowd in a private property.

Thank God that I did not faint, vomit or anything more than having low blood pressure at that time. I was shivering badly. In my conscious mind, I still can ask my girlfriend to go back to my office on 19^th floor to get the HR contact. With my handbag being robbed, all my documentations, hand phone and so forth was gone.  I asked her to call my sister and still managed to think straight.

Until this moment, I would think of this nightmare. We heard so many stories that do not wear fancy jewelries and accessories, designer labels, walking alone at night from a lot of people. We both were none of these. We were wearing sportswear, a worn out regular shirts with pants, no accessories, no designer labels or even walking alone! We were not the typical conditions that you would hear from the news or friends or family. We were randomly attacked by a man with cold-blood who got away with his foot! How in the world would you think that a person would walk to rob with a hammer on his hand?

I don’t. We don’t. But this was what happened to me on the cold blood Wednesday evening.
The robber hit me with the claw of the hammer which landed me with 8 stitches on the left and 3 external cracks. The CT scan was normal. With the best care I received from friends and family during my times at the hospital and home, I am trying to heal.

To think about what the robber would have caused me if he was to hit the hammer harder and more towards the back of my head, I could have die! If I have fainted when it happened, my conditions could have been worse.

I still did not believe that this had happened. Now, I’m having on and off headaches which I hope to recover someday. I can only sleep on my right hand side for 2-3 hours at a time. Every time it goes dark, I would think of the incident.

When I step out of my condominium, I have headaches and feel dizzy. When someone gets closer, I stopped and stunned for a moment. Now, I rely on family and friends to give me rides to the hospital and running errands.

I am trying to tell myself life needs to move on. Although it had happened almost two weeks ago, the police never called and investigated the case. How can I trust my safety? We were conscious but it was just not my lucky day.

This is not me at all. I was a strong, independent, self-confidence woman who lives in fear now. I can’t imagine myself going back to work and park at the same building, further to walk the same route again.

“You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have.” ― Cayla Mills

Disclaimer: My story was unheard in the media because I didn’t suffer much more complications than my head injury.  Sharing my story is not intent to scare you on your safety. There was a lot of unreported news out there, just like mine. Sharing my story does not give you rights to judge what we both should have done when the incident occurred. Sharing my story is to let you know that life is short. Enjoy your time and appreciate it wisely.