They see me strong, but I’m Sick

I thought I was strong to deal with the incident till the doctor removed my stitches. The reality hits me that I was being robbed and attacked with a hammer.  

While dropping off my girlfriend, I drove home alone. All of the sudden, I cried. My emotion was uncontrollable and unstoppable. I feel so emotion, restless and sick. I didn’t have the mood to talk to anyone or do anything at all for the next 24 hours. 

Spending the night with teary eyes and trying to sleep was hard. In my mind, I feel so small that I could actually die. I think about what and how it was happened. No one foresee the incident is coming. I didn’t. 

No one does. 

Being an independent, strong and confidence woman before, this has changed me. I feel there’s so much that I’ve not accomplish, yet I’m near to death. 

For a person who makes decision all the times, who voices my ideas and thoughts and who tries to shine the world, my soul has gone. I’ve lost it all. He robbed not just my valuables, but also me.   

I started to drive because I have no choice. I do not want to burden anyone by giving me rides. I drove after 1 week because I have to. I want to be strong and do it as before. But things would never be the same. 

I talked as usual but no one knows that I just can’t focus in what they said, hence I talk to focus on what I said. There are so many questions that I have in my head on top of all the headaches, stiffness and restless nights that I’m having. They do not know that my emotion is uncontrollable and unpredictable.

I feel sick when people ask me how am I doing. I have to put my mask on and said I’m fine. Deep inside, I’m not. Only a few people notice this. 

My confidence, my self-esteem and my life has gone. 

Acknowledging the issue I’m having, I have spoken to my sisters and friends about it. No one seems to know what to do and how to help. They have never seen me being weak. Neither do I. I have not been so restless, tired and exhausted despite all the times that I’ve been away from work. They suggest me to seek professional help. Another friend suggested that I start writing about what I feel. Some even said go for a holiday, pick up a new hobby and distract yourself from being alone. 

My workplace recommended me to get professional help and the sessions will be covered. I’ve managed to speak to the psychology who I’ll be seeing later on this week. She said I’ve fitted the symptoms of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is one of the anxiety disorders. 

One can only see from an exterior that I’m a normal person like before. But, I know I’m “sick”.