Is a Dream just a Dream?

Last night, I have a dream. Not, it's not like Martin Luther King's kinda dream. A unusual dream that I would never think that would have happened. The best part was that I still remember the details of it...

After not seeing him for almost 5 years now, H was in my dream. I realized that the place seems new to me and I do not have anywhere to run to, but keep bumping into him and his friends. I was on a subway and when I get off the train, his face was right in front of me. Of course I was surprised and shocked to see him. Was he following me all this time? I can see that his friends were nearby and he asked me to wait while he gets them. I was panic and do not know what to do next. All I can think of is RUN! How strange was this? I keep running and it seems that he chased me till somewhere a university. I saw him and his gang in a group coming towards me from afar. I saw and keep hiding myself. I was running and hiding from him as much as I could. I can see that his friends were trying to look for me as well. H was looking for me high and low which I do not have an answer to that. Did he manage to get me? I doubt it. I managed to escape....

Credit: Dream by taenaron on deviantART

I wonder if he has the same dream as I did last night. I wonder what prompted me to even think of him. Yet, I'm curious. Do I miss him? Not at all. What I had went thru with him, if I could ever turn back time is to delete the memory. That's why I didn't even bother to print pictures of the times with him. I would rather not speak about the times. A lot of times and things have been lost and those are irreplaceable. He has hurt me a lot and very deep. He has let me down so much that I want to keep giving myself a reason that he was not that kind. Yet, he is that kind.

Am I giving myself more than enough time to let him out of my memory? Yes, it takes time and out of the sudden this dream occurred. I really pray that this dream is just a dream which will never ever going to happen in the future.

Wake Up Call

It had been 5 weeks now since the incident happened. Time goes by quickly. I could not imagine myself going thru the same thing ever again. Yet, I can say it’s a wakeup call from the man above that I discover myself especially on my health issues. 

Admitting to the people surrounding me that I have depression was easy. However, no one seems to know how to help me. Some told me to learn a new hobby, take a vacation, don’t think too much and all. They do not know what I’m going thru especially at nights. I completely broke down and fall apart. 

Luckily, my work place is offering me to see a psychology and pick up the tabs from it. Else, I will be a mess still. 

 For the first time, I’m seeking a professional to talk to me. We spent hours talking about what had happened that night. Nonetheless, we spoke about my life and work.  She diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which is part of anxiety. I’ve been to her twice now, and feel much better. Talking to her did help me in a way to discover myself more. Besides, I get to release my emotions since I can’t do my self-talk in the morning due to skipping swimming in the morning. 

Between all the doctors’ appointments and other things that happened during these past weeks, I am being awake by how fortunate I am compare to my cousin brother who is in the hospital. He had a minor stroke in his brain which causes him to have a blood clot and “water”. Both of us grew up together, and we are at the same age. He has always been the smarter one; I’m just being luckier one. 

I think about what if I was in his position. I think about that I would spend days and weeks in the hospital bedridden. I think about the times that I would miss out in life. I think about the smiles, kisses, hugs and love from the people I love. I think about the worries from my loved ones. I think about death that could happen to me. 

Yet, I tell myself that I am strong. I am blessed. I am thankful. God has a reason for me to still be alive and do the things that I’m doing and will do. It’s a wakeup call for me to accomplish possibilities that I could have done. The things that I can make a difference in my life to make it a better world.

They see me strong, but I’m Sick

I thought I was strong to deal with the incident till the doctor removed my stitches. The reality hits me that I was being robbed and attacked with a hammer.  

While dropping off my girlfriend, I drove home alone. All of the sudden, I cried. My emotion was uncontrollable and unstoppable. I feel so emotion, restless and sick. I didn’t have the mood to talk to anyone or do anything at all for the next 24 hours. 

Spending the night with teary eyes and trying to sleep was hard. In my mind, I feel so small that I could actually die. I think about what and how it was happened. No one foresee the incident is coming. I didn’t. 

No one does. 

Being an independent, strong and confidence woman before, this has changed me. I feel there’s so much that I’ve not accomplish, yet I’m near to death. 

For a person who makes decision all the times, who voices my ideas and thoughts and who tries to shine the world, my soul has gone. I’ve lost it all. He robbed not just my valuables, but also me.   

I started to drive because I have no choice. I do not want to burden anyone by giving me rides. I drove after 1 week because I have to. I want to be strong and do it as before. But things would never be the same. 

I talked as usual but no one knows that I just can’t focus in what they said, hence I talk to focus on what I said. There are so many questions that I have in my head on top of all the headaches, stiffness and restless nights that I’m having. They do not know that my emotion is uncontrollable and unpredictable.

I feel sick when people ask me how am I doing. I have to put my mask on and said I’m fine. Deep inside, I’m not. Only a few people notice this. 

My confidence, my self-esteem and my life has gone. 

Acknowledging the issue I’m having, I have spoken to my sisters and friends about it. No one seems to know what to do and how to help. They have never seen me being weak. Neither do I. I have not been so restless, tired and exhausted despite all the times that I’ve been away from work. They suggest me to seek professional help. Another friend suggested that I start writing about what I feel. Some even said go for a holiday, pick up a new hobby and distract yourself from being alone. 

My workplace recommended me to get professional help and the sessions will be covered. I’ve managed to speak to the psychology who I’ll be seeing later on this week. She said I’ve fitted the symptoms of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is one of the anxiety disorders. 

One can only see from an exterior that I’m a normal person like before. But, I know I’m “sick”.

Moving On with 8 Stitches on My Head

Work has been stressful enough that we all need a break to have a de-stress time. My girlfriend and I have set a day to do so in a healthy way by walking in the park. The closest park for both of us was KLCC Park which was less than 5 minutes walk from my office. Our norm was safe keeping our belongings at my office and will walk while catching up with our lives. I still remember that we took a longer time to chill in my office, she had a corn in the bob while I was really starving and we were discussing where shall we go for dinner later on.

Since my office building in Menara Atlan and the car park building were in different buildings, we would walk to the car park. There were 2 ways to walk to the car park. One is using the basement where sometimes I feel creepy and smelly. Further, I would think that if there is something to happen, no one can hear me at all. Hence, we both as our regular routine would walk in the open space. Often, there are people and cars that would use the open space, just like us.

That was the walk for a lifetime that I would remember for the rest of my life.

As we were approaching to the car park building, we saw a foreign looking young man who dresses like a tourist walking closer and closer to us. In my mind, he reminded me of my Latino friend who might have been lost in the city. I’m trying to think of his origin- Latino or Filipino.

Never in both of our minds that he had a bad intention.

Credit:Flickr user bitzcelt

He came closer and we bought thought that he was lost and asking for directions. He came in between us and said, “Give me your bag”. My mind was unsure what he was saying and I asked him, “Excuse Me”. He repeated it. My girlfriend turned around and smashed him with her bags. Hovelling 2 recycle bags and my hidden handbag, he managed to snatched one of my recycle bag and it fall apart on the floor. There was a struggle between them. My girlfriend started to scream for help. That was the loudest voice that I can hear at the moment. He managed to get up and came to me and asked, “Give me your bag”. He then hit my head with a hammer. Yes, a hammer.

I screamed for help as well. I still did not feel the pain from my head yet. I thought I was panic and it was just sweat. We both even tried to chase the guy. There were some guys who played futsal on top of the car park building who heard us and he tried to come down and saw the bad guy running. There were motorcycles, passersby who came forward after they heard our screaming. They never managed to get a hold of the robber.

My girlfriend told me to calm down and relax. I was still questioning her why. She said I was bleeding. Then, I noticed that blood was dripping all this time, not my sweat.  She didn’t have any injuries at all. We managed to get some ice while my girlfriend called 999. A lot of people came forward and wanting to find out what had happened. A police patrol car drove by and never stops to find out what happened even though there was a crowd in a private property.

Thank God that I did not faint, vomit or anything more than having low blood pressure at that time. I was shivering badly. In my conscious mind, I still can ask my girlfriend to go back to my office on 19^th floor to get the HR contact. With my handbag being robbed, all my documentations, hand phone and so forth was gone.  I asked her to call my sister and still managed to think straight.

Until this moment, I would think of this nightmare. We heard so many stories that do not wear fancy jewelries and accessories, designer labels, walking alone at night from a lot of people. We both were none of these. We were wearing sportswear, a worn out regular shirts with pants, no accessories, no designer labels or even walking alone! We were not the typical conditions that you would hear from the news or friends or family. We were randomly attacked by a man with cold-blood who got away with his foot! How in the world would you think that a person would walk to rob with a hammer on his hand?

I don’t. We don’t. But this was what happened to me on the cold blood Wednesday evening.
The robber hit me with the claw of the hammer which landed me with 8 stitches on the left and 3 external cracks. The CT scan was normal. With the best care I received from friends and family during my times at the hospital and home, I am trying to heal.

To think about what the robber would have caused me if he was to hit the hammer harder and more towards the back of my head, I could have die! If I have fainted when it happened, my conditions could have been worse.

I still did not believe that this had happened. Now, I’m having on and off headaches which I hope to recover someday. I can only sleep on my right hand side for 2-3 hours at a time. Every time it goes dark, I would think of the incident.

When I step out of my condominium, I have headaches and feel dizzy. When someone gets closer, I stopped and stunned for a moment. Now, I rely on family and friends to give me rides to the hospital and running errands.

I am trying to tell myself life needs to move on. Although it had happened almost two weeks ago, the police never called and investigated the case. How can I trust my safety? We were conscious but it was just not my lucky day.

This is not me at all. I was a strong, independent, self-confidence woman who lives in fear now. I can’t imagine myself going back to work and park at the same building, further to walk the same route again.

“You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have.” ― Cayla Mills

Disclaimer: My story was unheard in the media because I didn’t suffer much more complications than my head injury.  Sharing my story is not intent to scare you on your safety. There was a lot of unreported news out there, just like mine. Sharing my story does not give you rights to judge what we both should have done when the incident occurred. Sharing my story is to let you know that life is short. Enjoy your time and appreciate it wisely.

When Your Vote Counts

With the General Election 2013 is a day away, my view on this politics games is gearing more towards that we need a fair and clean election. Being a first time voter myself, I kind of hesitate to make the 'right choice'. However, as the days are approaching, I noticed that this is not just about me. Indeed I love my country and I would want the best for everyone.

As we all know, our media has been censored by the government. With the advancement of IT technology, we are able to share stories- be it real or not. I've never been into so political mood till this election. I've seen my friends and families are preaching their support towards their political beliefs. In the beginning, I thought that I just want to spoil the vote. But, it makes me think again.

I have not much benefits from them whose has rule the country for the past 56 years. What I'm grateful was the multicultural education that I've received during my tenure years at the school. It ends pretty much there. It has made me a better person to accept changes and diversification from one person to another. If my ancestor would not have migrate to Malaya, I would probably would not have born in this beautiful country.
 

 If the current government asked me if I'm  happy with the incentives and benefits that they have given out to citizen like me, my answer is NO.

First of all, I have never received any government scholarships or whatsoever. Even though my result is on an average, I did not even think that I would enroll myself in there. You can say me bias, but back then I would never foresee myself being able to continue my studies locally. If I would have, I could not imagine the turnout I would be today.

I am a regular taxpayer who made contribution on a monthly basis. Honestly, do I see any benefits from here? Again, NO. Did I get much tax incentive as a middle income? Not at all. The tax that I've paid would only contribute to the government's undisclosed expenses which would have contributed in a lot of the offshore accounts sitting somewhere in Bahamas or Cayman Island. While those people enjoying my hard-earned money by the beach and shopping, myself and other citizen have to work hard just to make a living.

If the government asked me if I feel secure in living in this country, my answer is NO.

Living abroad in a brutal area in Bronx or Orange Blossom Trail is equivalent to living in this city. You would not feel safe anywhere. Though you've spent a huge sum on surveillance camera or security force, it did not guarantee you from being robbed or worse, raped. 

Although I've never seen anyone carry a gun here or abroad, I would not underestimate on anyone's capabilities to do so. Life is too cheap and short to be taken away. When you are rich especially with power, you get to determine another person's life. On top of that, you can  buy a lot of people with the money and power. Say, you can smuggle in some immigrants to vote for you instead of giving the privilege to your own citizen.

Whatever it is, I hope that the result will be at peace and we as a citizen would live in a safe, prosperous and happy nation.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.- Barack Obama

Celebrating all your hardwork on Labor Day!

Looking back it had been almost 10 years that I've been in the workforce. What does Labor Day means and what we have all got out from it? It was a exhaustion day for me after my PMS acting out and drinking session last night. I remember the time that I've had so much to drink is about 6 months ago. Sometimes I wonder did people drink because they want to temporarily forget about their problems or they are drinking to entertain. Normally, I drink for chilling a long day. I'm not an addicted drinker. There are times that I just want to chill out with a Pina Colada by the pool and imagine myself hanging out by the beautiful scenery in Florida Keys. Ah, what a life that is!

I hate PMS syndrome! Times like this are me not being myself. It was my emotions controlling me. I try not to let emotions control me from the outside instead a lot of internal healing needs to be done. I believe writing this is a part of my healing process. Else, when do you think I would update this blog (while I'm so into Candy Crush game lately! ) Nonetheless, I can feel that this time around the PMS gets a bit out of control by crying more than I would normally do. Geesshhh.....On top of the breast tenderness and bloating, my appetite has shot up as well! Do I think too much about what's going to happen next? We would never ever know why and how we end up. I know for sure I broke down for the night. I've just lost me and myself. Positive thinking and vibes are seriously in Need!

Getting in touch with Jayhawk challenges me, yet he makes me happy. Life should be simple and happy. Living the moment always hit us hard when we do not appreciate the times we have as a present. Rather, we rush into what's next after this moment now. A little reminder to myself that it happens to everyone of us that it hits us hard when the moment has gone, then we only appreciate the past more. What's the point of remembering the past when we have forgotten our moment now. I've been doing good and learn from living the moment especially after I left the States. I can still feel the fresh air by the lakes around my community in a beautiful place called Lake Mary. My eyes would brighten up when I look at the good memories of yesterday. Now is all about being present. Tomorrow is all about what's the next chapter in life.

 I hope that I'll be a good fit for the position that I had interviewed recently. Bless the souls who have helped me along the way and open up the heart from the interviewers on their decision.Challenges in life for a new role that I must be ready to take up. I'm worried but I pray for the best to come. I hope it will. I've been set back for about 5 years and I believe and trust that good things will come eventually.

Drenched

It had been almost 7 months since my last writing on this blog. A lot of have happened ever since. Life has never been the same. A child would be conceived and be given birth in that period. For the past months, I've been thinking on how I wanted a husband, children of my own which I can call home. But, it never happened. I'm not sure is it a good thing or bad thing. I'm sure God has a plan for me.

It took me a lot of courage to end it with PL. Finally, thanks to Rose's wonderful assistance, it is in the process. Am I not willing to let the relationship go? Speaking to him a few days ago, I've asked him is it a good or bad mistake on what we have done? He laughed it off. I guess he never thought that I would did what I did. In fact, I wasn't sure if it's a good or bad one. Sometimes, I wish he would tell me to come back. We know that it ain't going to happen. Anytime soon, that's for sure. The past has hurt me and I've learned to be a better person.

 

To SJ, the past months it had been nice knowing you. We both know that this is not going anywhere. It's not what I'm looking for. It's not what he can provide me with. It's the ugly truth of reality. I try not to think about your existence, but I'm just lying to myself. My life was without you before and I need to move on. I know that you have a life without me, and you'll be fine. To this, I dedicate Drenched for you my dear. You are a great lover, but I have to let you go (though I didn't want to).