What a Wonderful Friday Night

Despite having a rough few days (even today), I am just CALM.  Thank you God for guiding me to this path. As pathetic as it sound, Friday evening spent at home alone wasn’t so bad. There were things to keep me occupied such as planning to London. I hope this will happen in June which is 4 weeks away. 

I learn that people disappoint me for not being able to meet my expectations. Hence, I stop thinking about it. Although I am sad, but I’m doing good. J I have not been so clam and peace for a while.

As much as I want to give my heart to someone, I think it’s hard. Because there’s no one is worth it. I am learning to love myself more. As much as I want to make people around me happy, I think it’s hard. Because they do not feel the happiness, instead feel it’s a burden. But there’s one thing I can do is learning to love myself more. 

I do not deny that there are little tears tonight, but it just makes me see the truth of CJ. All men are assholes including him. He makes the decision not to call and ignore, so I can too right! God, please keep my strength to this. In spite of making up 2 days ago, he remains the old him. I guess there are things that won’t change and can’t change. Either you take it or leave it situation. Being nice doesn’t mean that others can take advantage of me, my dear! Being nice doesn’t mean that I’ll be there when you are ready to do so. Being nice doesn’t mean that I will give you the reason to break my heart. 

I also think of Senor Jayhawk. He made the decision not to call so why should I. It’s not a selfish act, but it’s better for both of us. I think about how he spoilt me in his care. But all of that is part of history. It was sweet and all. But life has to move on.

I have to. Appreciate a Friday night like this with doing things that I love and like. Tonight, is a Wonderful Night!    

I am all in His Guidance

This week has been raining tremendously. So many things had happened that I just let things happen on its own and remind myself that things will be better. Good things are coming my way. 

3 weeks more to end my employment is definitely not fun when you think about the financial distress situation that I could be facing. My heart and soul is calling Europe for a 3 weeks’ vacation. Yet, my situation is like walking on water for not knowing what will happen after. I’m learning to accept expectations can decrease my self-confidence and self-esteem. Although, I am much happier now, there’s a part of me not wanting to leave. I am already missing my colleagues more than you can imagine. I am hoping that people around me are praying the best for me.  I asked myself will I be happy to stay on and work there. As much as I want to, there’s a part of me that tells me regret no further. I was unhappy with the pain in the butt. So, what do I have to lose right? 

The job that I thought I will be qualified didn’t come my way. Surprisingly, I am much calmer to accept the fact that I am not what they are looking for. Part of me asking, are they afraid that I’ll be taking over their position or there’s really something wrong with me during the whole interview process. I would like to know. No one seems to be able to let me know. I am searching and looking around and pray that the good thing will come my way. 

While on the way home last night, my car got into an accident. Luckily, I do not suffer from any injury. The car panels on my driver’s side were scratched all the way from the front to the back. I was so naive when it happened. I didn’t want to care less about the damage as I thought the damage was a minor issue.  Later on, I found out it was quite bad. The other car, a Honda Civic’s bumper was fallen apart. I thought they were fresh graduate that just started off from college. I was wrong. The guy keeps on apologizing and I was like things could have been worse. They were really honest though I left the scene without getting his license details and car plate number. Duh... how naïve I was during that time till I think back what’s happening. He could actually give me a fake phone number and details. At the end of the day, we were into agreement not to file a police report and he will pay for the damage by sending it to repair. Can you believe all this happened within 24 hours? We sorted out that it will take several days to get it done and at the meantime, his sister was also being nice too. I believe in doing good and you’ll be treated good as well. I trust people as I want to be trusted. 

Life is so fragile and unpredictable. We do not know what’s going to happen next. We need to stay calm and face what’s coming our way and make the best out of it. I feel calmer and happier. There will be situation that we do not know what to react and do, but we remain calm and let it at God’s hand. He will guide me to the best way. I shall no doubt on his decision. Perhaps, this is why I am happier now.

Say something will you?

The last time we laid eyes was 2 weeks ago. I know I was out of line, but I really can't help it! There were so much of going on in my mind. The fear of losing someone like you would have been a disaster. Sometimes, I would just want to the time we had to remain. Sometimes, I would wish that we are in a state of mind like this. Leaving each other .... to see if we truly deserve each other.

Yet, I could not accept a person who will lie to me straight in my face. It was the bad memory that haunt me all along. A person who lay his head next to you could mislead you to all the things that one can only imagine. I would like to know the truth when I ask as this is the reality. If I want to hear a lie, I don't need you to be next to me to see me being sucked up. I'll be ashamed of myself!


I would never thought that we could go this far in this complicated relationship. I could never imagine what would happened when the stories of us go out. One thing I know, I miss you. But, you are mad at me. Do you still?

Every morning and night as I lay my head, I think of you. Although the times we had was not much, but the moments you had given me was more than I can think of.

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” ― Mother Teresa

Say something... will you?

Complicated

I don't know where and how to begin this with. I don't even know how to explain what's the feeling I am having now. A month ago, I have tender my resignation after being on the job for almost 2 years. There were so much of going on that I had a moment to think of the purpose of being alive. To God I prayed that never ever lead me to that moment of unhappiness. I am overcoming it one step at a time.

This incident lead me to ask myself how happy am I. I have let go a job that I like because I don't like to work with the reporting manager. That was so not me to leave a job without knowing how am I going to survive the month after! I don't have a choice except to be an armstrong to face all the challenges ahead.

Life should be easy and less complicated. Like the song by Avril Lavigne, Complicated. 

Chill out, what you yellin' for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
And you're talking to me one on one
But you've become...

Somebody else 'round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You, you fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
You promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it
No, no, no

You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin' else
Where you are ain't where it's at
You see you're making me laugh out
When you strike your pose
Take off all your preppy clothes
You know you're not fooling anyone
When you've become...

I know I can't fool anyone except myself! This few days I feel lighter.... when life is not so complicated anymore. 

Is a Dream just a Dream?

Last night, I have a dream. Not, it's not like Martin Luther King's kinda dream. A unusual dream that I would never think that would have happened. The best part was that I still remember the details of it...

After not seeing him for almost 5 years now, H was in my dream. I realized that the place seems new to me and I do not have anywhere to run to, but keep bumping into him and his friends. I was on a subway and when I get off the train, his face was right in front of me. Of course I was surprised and shocked to see him. Was he following me all this time? I can see that his friends were nearby and he asked me to wait while he gets them. I was panic and do not know what to do next. All I can think of is RUN! How strange was this? I keep running and it seems that he chased me till somewhere a university. I saw him and his gang in a group coming towards me from afar. I saw and keep hiding myself. I was running and hiding from him as much as I could. I can see that his friends were trying to look for me as well. H was looking for me high and low which I do not have an answer to that. Did he manage to get me? I doubt it. I managed to escape....

Credit: Dream by taenaron on deviantART

I wonder if he has the same dream as I did last night. I wonder what prompted me to even think of him. Yet, I'm curious. Do I miss him? Not at all. What I had went thru with him, if I could ever turn back time is to delete the memory. That's why I didn't even bother to print pictures of the times with him. I would rather not speak about the times. A lot of times and things have been lost and those are irreplaceable. He has hurt me a lot and very deep. He has let me down so much that I want to keep giving myself a reason that he was not that kind. Yet, he is that kind.

Am I giving myself more than enough time to let him out of my memory? Yes, it takes time and out of the sudden this dream occurred. I really pray that this dream is just a dream which will never ever going to happen in the future.

Wake Up Call

It had been 5 weeks now since the incident happened. Time goes by quickly. I could not imagine myself going thru the same thing ever again. Yet, I can say it’s a wakeup call from the man above that I discover myself especially on my health issues. 

Admitting to the people surrounding me that I have depression was easy. However, no one seems to know how to help me. Some told me to learn a new hobby, take a vacation, don’t think too much and all. They do not know what I’m going thru especially at nights. I completely broke down and fall apart. 

Luckily, my work place is offering me to see a psychology and pick up the tabs from it. Else, I will be a mess still. 

 For the first time, I’m seeking a professional to talk to me. We spent hours talking about what had happened that night. Nonetheless, we spoke about my life and work.  She diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which is part of anxiety. I’ve been to her twice now, and feel much better. Talking to her did help me in a way to discover myself more. Besides, I get to release my emotions since I can’t do my self-talk in the morning due to skipping swimming in the morning. 

Between all the doctors’ appointments and other things that happened during these past weeks, I am being awake by how fortunate I am compare to my cousin brother who is in the hospital. He had a minor stroke in his brain which causes him to have a blood clot and “water”. Both of us grew up together, and we are at the same age. He has always been the smarter one; I’m just being luckier one. 

I think about what if I was in his position. I think about that I would spend days and weeks in the hospital bedridden. I think about the times that I would miss out in life. I think about the smiles, kisses, hugs and love from the people I love. I think about the worries from my loved ones. I think about death that could happen to me. 

Yet, I tell myself that I am strong. I am blessed. I am thankful. God has a reason for me to still be alive and do the things that I’m doing and will do. It’s a wakeup call for me to accomplish possibilities that I could have done. The things that I can make a difference in my life to make it a better world.

They see me strong, but I’m Sick

I thought I was strong to deal with the incident till the doctor removed my stitches. The reality hits me that I was being robbed and attacked with a hammer.  

While dropping off my girlfriend, I drove home alone. All of the sudden, I cried. My emotion was uncontrollable and unstoppable. I feel so emotion, restless and sick. I didn’t have the mood to talk to anyone or do anything at all for the next 24 hours. 

Spending the night with teary eyes and trying to sleep was hard. In my mind, I feel so small that I could actually die. I think about what and how it was happened. No one foresee the incident is coming. I didn’t. 

No one does. 

Being an independent, strong and confidence woman before, this has changed me. I feel there’s so much that I’ve not accomplish, yet I’m near to death. 

For a person who makes decision all the times, who voices my ideas and thoughts and who tries to shine the world, my soul has gone. I’ve lost it all. He robbed not just my valuables, but also me.   

I started to drive because I have no choice. I do not want to burden anyone by giving me rides. I drove after 1 week because I have to. I want to be strong and do it as before. But things would never be the same. 

I talked as usual but no one knows that I just can’t focus in what they said, hence I talk to focus on what I said. There are so many questions that I have in my head on top of all the headaches, stiffness and restless nights that I’m having. They do not know that my emotion is uncontrollable and unpredictable.

I feel sick when people ask me how am I doing. I have to put my mask on and said I’m fine. Deep inside, I’m not. Only a few people notice this. 

My confidence, my self-esteem and my life has gone. 

Acknowledging the issue I’m having, I have spoken to my sisters and friends about it. No one seems to know what to do and how to help. They have never seen me being weak. Neither do I. I have not been so restless, tired and exhausted despite all the times that I’ve been away from work. They suggest me to seek professional help. Another friend suggested that I start writing about what I feel. Some even said go for a holiday, pick up a new hobby and distract yourself from being alone. 

My workplace recommended me to get professional help and the sessions will be covered. I’ve managed to speak to the psychology who I’ll be seeing later on this week. She said I’ve fitted the symptoms of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is one of the anxiety disorders. 

One can only see from an exterior that I’m a normal person like before. But, I know I’m “sick”.